Talking to kids about sex

By Jen Boyer

Studies suggest that the onset of puberty is happening earlier for both boys and girls, but how should you speak with your kids about it?

From a very early age, children are curious about their bodies and about where babies come from. Dr. Laura Rocker, child and adolescent psychiatrist for Akron Children’s Hospital, suggests that sex education should begin at birth. “Children should learn the right words for their genitals along with the other parts of their bodies. If you can be comfortable talking about it, this sets the tone for future discussions as the topic comes up.

“And the topic does come up,” she adds, “because it’s everywhere.”

“Children are exposed to messages about sexuality much earlier due to TV, the Internet, and email spam,” says pediatrician Dr. Margaret Stager, Director of Adolescent Medicine for The MetroHealth System. But parents can use this exposure to their benefit, she says. “Take any opportunity to talk about sexual development, relationships and your values.”

Should you wait for your child to bring it up? Dr. Carolyn Landis, pediatric behavioral psychologist and assistant professor at University Hospitals Rainbow Babies & Children’s Hospital, suggests that parents can’t afford to wait. “Err on the side of being early,” she says. “It’s hard for parents to know what their kids are being exposed to at school, and if you answer questions as they arise there’s no need for a big ‘sex talk.’”

Stager agrees. “Because of the society we live in, the consequences of avoiding these conversations far outweigh the consequences of giving too much information too soon, which is a rare circumstance,” she says. “A bigger danger is that your children don’t know your position, expectations or values.”

She points out that parents can’t control the flow of information between children at school or on the playground — kids are going to talk about sexuality. But you can’t rely on schoolyard conversations or even school-sponsored classes to educate your child about sex.

“Talking about it within the family gives parents the chance to impart judgment, insight and self-control,” says Stager.

Because sex and development are topics that pique most kids’ curiosity, Landis stresses the importance of vigilant supervision. “Choose carefully who you allow your kids to spend time with, and consider what they could be exposed to,” she says. “Children can be traumatized if they’re exposed to explicit material at a young age, and we know that trauma changes the brain physiologically. Seeing this material can impact kids’ self-esteem and body image, and can lead to depression and suicidal ideation. It also puts them at risk for being victimized by older kids or adults.”

Supervise your children online, closely monitor any cell phone use or text messaging, and be aware of any toys or devices that allow children to take pictures or connect to the Internet. Also, Landis says, keep your child from being alone with anyone of either gender.

Quick tips

1. Teach children the proper names for their body parts.
2. Be direct and matter-of-fact when answering their questions. If you’re unsure what level of information is age-appropriate for your child, search online or check out books from the library to get an idea.
3. By about age 8, children are mature enough to understand the basics of intercourse: that a man and woman’s parts fit together like puzzle pieces, and that is how a baby is made. To some children this is scary; reassure them that it won’t be scary anymore when they are grown up.
4. Weave your family’s morals, values and expectations into your conversations. This will help children sort through the information and messages they get from other sources.
5. Not talking about sex won’t make your children lose interest in it. They’ll learn about it from other sources, but you’ll lose the opportunity to provide moral guidance along with accurate information.
6. Closely monitor children online, on the phone and at play.
7. Stress that children must tell you about people who make them uncomfortable with words or touch.